Men and Baby Loss: Why Grief Looks Different and How It Can Strain Relationships
Baby loss affects both parents deeply. For many men, the impact is real but difficult to explain, even to themselves.
Men often say they feel changed after a miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal loss, but they struggle to put words to it. Some feel numb. Some feel angry or constantly on edge. Others throw themselves into work or practical tasks. Many feel pressure to hold everything together, no matter what is happening inside.
If you are a man who has experienced baby loss at any stage, this article is for you. It is also for men who have noticed their relationship feels strained since the loss and do not fully understand why.
What kind of therapy Helps?
Many men find that specialist support such as baby loss counselling for men makes a significant difference, especially when grief or trauma feels stuck or overwhelming.
Do men and women grieve baby loss differently?
Yes. Research consistently shows that men and women often grieve in different ways after baby loss, even though both are deeply affected.
Bereavement researchers Stroebe and Schut describe this difference as part of the Dual Process Model of Grief, which explains that people cope either by focusing inwardly on emotions or outwardly on action and problem-solving (Stroebe & Schut, 1999). Men are more likely to use the second approach.
This difference is about how grief is expressed, not how much it is felt.
How grief often shows up in men
Many men experience grief as:
Emotional numbness or shutdown
Anger or irritability
Anxiety or constant tension
Staying busy to avoid thinking
Avoiding conversations about the loss
Feeling pressure to be strong or supportive
Research into paternal grief after pregnancy and infant loss shows that men are more likely to internalise grief and focus on functioning rather than expressing emotion (Murphy et al., 1999).
This is not indifference. It is a learned way of surviving overwhelming emotion.
How grief often shows up in women
Women are more likely to:
Express grief openly
Want to talk repeatedly about the loss
Seek emotional closeness
Need reassurance and understanding
Experience visible sadness or anxiety earlier
Studies of parental grief following baby loss consistently show that women are more likely to express grief verbally and emotionally, particularly in the early stages (Murphy et al., 1999).
Neither response is right or wrong. Difficulties arise when these different grief styles sit side by side without being understood.
Why baby loss can strain relationships
Many couples expect baby loss to bring them closer. Instead, it can create distance.
This usually happens because each partner is grieving differently and misinterpreting the other’s response.
Research into couples after child loss shows that mismatched grieving styles are one of the strongest predictors of relationship strain, particularly in the first year after the loss (Rando, 1986).
Common experiences include:
One partner wanting to talk while the other avoids it
One needing closeness while the other needs space
One wanting to mark dates or milestones while the other finds them unbearable
Men often think:
“If I fall apart, everything falls apart”
“I need to be strong for my partner”
“Talking will not change what happened”
Their partner may experience this as:
“He does not care”
“He has moved on”
“I am dealing with this alone”
Clinical research shows that relationship strain after baby loss is common, but it is not a sign that the relationship is failing (Rogers et al., 2008).
The myth about divorce after baby loss
You may have heard the claim that 70 to 80 percent of couples who lose a baby or child end up divorcing. This figure is often repeated, but it is not supported by reliable evidence.
Large population-based studies have found that most couples remain together after the death of a child. One major study following bereaved parents over time found no dramatic increase in divorce rates compared with the general population (Rogers et al., 2008).
Another large-scale study published in The Lancet found increased stress and health risks for bereaved parents, but did not support the idea that most relationships break down following loss (Li et al., 2003).
The belief that baby loss almost inevitably leads to separation can increase fear and silence at a time when couples are already under strain.
Baby loss tests relationships, but it does not doom them.
How long does it take for a relationship to recover after baby loss?
There is no fixed timeline for a relationship to feel close or settled again after baby loss.
Research and clinical experience suggest that it often takes months or several years for couples to feel emotionally reconnected. Many researchers note that the first year is primarily about survival rather than recovery (Rando, 1986).
Early on, couples are often focused on:
Getting through the day
Managing work and practical responsibilities
Supporting each other while struggling internally
Avoiding further pain
Studies show that recovery is rarely linear. One partner may feel ready to reconnect sooner, while the other is still emotionally protecting themselves (Rogers et al., 2008).
A slow recovery does not mean the relationship is failing. It usually means grief is still being processed.
What actually helps relationships recover after baby loss
Research and clinical experience highlight several factors that support recovery.
Understanding that grief will not look the same
Couples do better when different grief styles are understood rather than judged. Recognising these differences reduces resentment and misinterpretation (Stroebe & Schut, 1999).
Reducing pressure to fix things quickly
Pressure to “get back to normal” is associated with increased distress and emotional withdrawal, particularly for men (Rando, 1986).
Creating small moments of connection
Research suggests that everyday connection and shared routines often rebuild closeness more effectively than forced emotional discussions, especially in men (Murphy et al., 1999).
Having somewhere else to put the weight
Individual therapy can reduce relationship strain by giving men a place to process grief without feeling they are burdening their partner (Rogers et al., 2008).
Addressing trauma when it is present
Trauma responses following pregnancy loss are well documented and can affect emotional availability until addressed (O’Connor & Siddle, 2021).
Accepting the relationship will not return to “before”
Research consistently shows that healing involves integrating the loss into a new version of life and relationship, rather than returning to how things were (Rando, 1986).
What men often carry silently
Research shows that fathers are frequently under-recognised as grieving parents, particularly after pregnancy loss (Murphy et al., 1999).
Many men carry:
Guilt for not feeling enough
Shame for grieving differently
Fear of breaking down
Fear of saying the wrong thing
Responsibility for keeping life moving
Over time, this pressure can show up as anxiety, depression, emotional distance, panic, or anger.
When grief becomes trauma
Not all baby loss is traumatic, but many experiences overwhelm the nervous system.
Trauma-related responses after baby loss are well documented and can include intrusive memories, emotional numbing, anxiety, and avoidance in both mothers and fathers (O’Connor & Siddle, 2021).
This is not weakness. It is the nervous system remaining in survival mode.
When trauma responses are part of the picture, approaches such as trauma therapy for baby loss can help reduce panic, emotional numbness, and intrusive memories without having to relive everything in detail.
What kind of therapy helps?
Counselling can help men make sense of grief, guilt, and emotional confusion.
Trauma-focused therapy can help when the nervous system remains stuck in survival mode and symptoms persist.
Research shows that addressing grief and trauma together improves emotional wellbeing and relationship functioning over time (Rogers et al., 2008).
A common belief that keeps men stuck
Many men believe they should be coping better by now.
Grief does not follow a timetable. Trauma does not resolve simply because time passes.
Ongoing distress does not mean failure. It means something important has not yet been processed.
You do not have to carry this alone
Many men delay reaching out until things feel unmanageable. Others do not realise support is available for them at all.
Therapy is not about making you more emotional. It is about helping your system settle, your reactions make sense, and your life feel more manageable again.
Some men start with one-to-one men’s counselling, focused on pressure, grief, and emotional shutdown rather than being pushed to talk before they are ready.
Sources
Stroebe, M. & Schut, H. (1999). The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement. Death Studies.
Murphy, S. A., Johnson, L. C., & Lohan, J. (1999). Parental grief after the death of a child. Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Rando, T. A. (1986). Parental Loss of a Child. Research Press.
Rogers, C. H., Floyd, F. J., Seltzer, M. M., Greenberg, J., & Hong, J. (2008). Long-term effects of the death of a child on parents’ marital adjustment. Journal of Family Psychology.
Li, J., Precht, D. H., Mortensen, P. B., & Olsen, J. (2003). Mortality in parents after death of a child. The Lancet.
O’Connor, M. & Siddle, R. (2021). Trauma responses following pregnancy loss. British Journal of Psychiatry.
About the author
This article is written by a qualified counsellor and EMDR therapist with extensive experience supporting men after baby loss across the UK. The focus is on helping men make sense of grief, trauma, and relationship strain in a way that feels safe, grounded, and practical.
If you’re thinking about reaching out
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