If you’re reading this, I want to begin by saying how deeply sorry I am for your loss.
Whether your baby died suddenly and unexpectedly…
whether you sat in a hospital room while machines were turned off…
or whether the loss came earlier than anyone expected…
This is not something we are built for.
When my son Ray went down for surgery, I remember kissing him beforehand. He never regained consciousness. Later, when we were told he was brain dead and decisions had to be made, it felt clear in that moment that we needed to help him out of his suffering.
Afterwards, the guilt came.
If you’ve had to make medical decisions no parent should ever have to make, you may recognise that weight.
What I wish someone had said clearly to me as a dad was this:
This is not your fault.
Nothing you have done caused this.
And as unbearable as this feels right now, it will become more bearable.
Not easier. But more bearable.
What You Might Be Experiencing Right Now
Grief after baby loss doesn’t just look like tears.
You might notice:
Waking at 3am with your mind racing
Sitting up with the TV on just to get through the night
Feeling numb one moment and overwhelmed the next
Snapping at people
Brain fog
A constant heaviness in your body
Pressure to be the strong one
Grief shakes the nervous system. It keeps you alert. It exhausts you.
This isn’t weakness.
It’s trauma.
“Grief of this intensity can affect the nervous system in similar ways to trauma.”
The Earthquake Effect of Baby Loss
Loss can feel like an earthquake.
Before this happened, you had routines, plans, identity, priorities.
Afterwards, parts of your old self may fall away. Things that once felt important may suddenly feel irrelevant. For me, family became crystal clear.
At the same time, resilience and clarity can grow.
You are not the same person you were before.
That doesn’t mean you’re broken.
It means you’ve been altered by something enormous.
How Grief Actually Works
Psychologist William Worden described grief as involving four active tasks rather than neat stages.
You move in and out of them.
1. Accepting the Reality
This can look like replaying hospital conversations, walking back into places that now feel unbearable, or feeling the finality hit in waves.
Acceptance doesn’t mean peace.
It means your mind slowly absorbing what has happened.
2. Allowing the Pain
Many men stay busy at first.
Fundraising. Organising. Working. Doing.
Action can honour your child.
It can also be avoidance.
Allowing pain might look like crying in the car, letting music undo you, or sitting with the heaviness rather than escaping it.
3. Adjusting to a Different Life
You may change jobs. Re-evaluate friendships. Feel different around other parents.
It can feel isolating — like being cut loose.
Adjustment means learning to live in a life you didn’t expect.
4. Staying Connected While Still Living
You don’t move on from your child.
Connection might look like prayer, visiting the grave, listening to certain music, or doing something in their name.
You carry them differently as time moves forward.
Searching for Answers After Losing a Baby
Many dads become investigators.
You might:
Spend hours on Google
Read medical papers late at night
Replay every decision
Question whether you missed something
Because Ray’s condition was rare, I went deep into research mode. I needed certainty. I even wondered if past mistakes in my life had somehow caused this.
Grief can take you into thoughts of karma or punishment.
But after speaking openly with doctors and asking difficult questions, it became clear:
There was nothing I had done.
It wasn’t karma.
We were deeply unlucky.
Like winning the worst lottery in the world.
Unlucky is not the same as responsible.
Guilt After Baby Loss
Guilt can attach to:
Medical decisions
Moments of anger
Brief flashes of relief
You might wake one morning and, for a few seconds, your baby isn’t the first thought in your mind.
And when you realise, the guilt hits.
Grief is not loyalty measured by constant suffering.
You can hold deep sadness and small pockets of lightness at the same time.
That is not betrayal.
It is survival.
Grieving at a Different Pace to Your Partner
You may not grieve at the same speed.
At first you may feel aligned. Later, one of you may dip while the other feels steadier.
You might feel scared of being pulled back into the darkness.
They might feel unsupported.
Grief is uneven.
It helps to say things directly:
“I’m struggling.”
“I’m scared.”
“What do you need from me this week?”
Sometimes outside support can help take pressure off the relationship.
The Pendulum Effect of Grief
Some days you may feel invincible.
“I’ve survived the worst thing imaginable.”
Other days you may not be able to get off the sofa.
Grief swings between resilience and collapse.
Over time, the swings soften.
It doesn’t stay this sharp forever.
Doing Something in Their Name
You may feel driven to act.
Run a marathon. Raise money. Speak publicly.
I ran a half marathon and raised £4,500 in Ray’s name. It gave purpose. It helped. At times, it was also avoidance.
Both can be true.
Just ask yourself gently:
Am I honouring them?
Or am I avoiding stillness?
When to Get Extra Support
If:
Sleep isn’t improving
The guilt won’t quieten
Anxiety is increasing
You feel emotionally numb
The relationship feels strained
You don’t have to carry that alone.
Specialist support can help you process trauma rather than suppress it.
Specialist baby loss support for dads
Baby Loss Support for Dads in Cornwall and Online Across the UK
I work with men in Helston, across Cornwall, and online throughout the UK who are navigating baby loss, trauma, anxiety and depression.
Working with someone who understands baby loss both professionally and personally can make a difference.
Therapy isn’t about reliving everything endlessly.
It’s about making sense of what happened and finding steadier ground.
Send me a message if you’re ready to talk, or even if you’re just thinking about it. That first step might feel big, but it could be the start of something better.
🔹 Face to face sessions in Helston, Cornwall
🔹 Online therapy available UK wide
Lee: Men's Counsellor: Baby Loss : Anxiety: Depression
📞 Call or text: 07873 665713
📧 Email: leemartincounselling@gmail.com